While I'll blog about leaky boobs from breastfeeding the lack of sex life that having a newborn will give you and stories of poop so horrible, you swear it was made up, one thing I don't blog about is parenting advice. Why? Cause most of it blows. Or it's awesome, but doesn't apply to you. So instead, I'll give the anti-parenting advice here.
Here is a list of things moms should never say to other moms. Ever.
1. My baby has never had formula. Not even one drop.
I'm a total breast-feeding advocate and breast-fed Cash until he was 8 months old. Even I know this is a stupid thing to say. By all means, have a love of breast-feeding, that's awesome. But don't imply that formula is just atrocious.
2. Giving birth is the most natural thing in the world.
Maybe. Maybe not. Confession time- I used to be an advocate of natural childbirth. Until I actually went into labor that is! After suffering a series of health complications my doctor and I chose to have Cash via a scheduled c-section at 37 weeks. Between the undiagnosed gestational diabetes, the preeclampsia, high blood pressure and a 10 pound 8 ounce baby being born 3 weeks early, there didn't seem to be much natural about my birth! Not everyone can (nor should) have an awesome natural birth, and there's nothing wrong with that.
3. I would never let someone else raise my kids.
My daycare provider no more raises Cash than your kid's second grade teacher raises him. Not everyone wants to stay home. Not everyone can stay home. Don't make them feel insecure or bad about that.
4. Why aren't you breastfeeding?
I've had strangers at Target ask me if I'm breast-feeding. It always throws me off, like, "why is this your business?". It just sets up women to have to defend their choice or makes them re-live all the struggles they had.
5. You know, you really shouldn't do _____.
A few days ago I posted a picture of my 10 month old son sleeping in his crib, with his head propped up by a pillow. A "friend" immediately messaged me warning me all about SIDS and letting me know how dangerous it was for him to be sleeping on a pillow. What she doesn't know? Cash has a lot of breathing problems and the doctor recommended he sleep elevated. You never know the full circumstance with someone's family. So stay out of it.
6. Did you use IVF?
A friend of mine from high school has twins. She is asked often if she conceived naturally or used fertility drugs. By strangers. By family members. In what world is this your business?
7. What do you do all day? (to a stay at home mom)
Every Saturday I have Cash all day while my husband works. During that time, I wrangle a 10 month old, fold laundry, cook, take care of pets, pay bills, have play-dates and in the middle of all that, try to remember to shower and eat. If someone asked me what I do all day while taking care of Cash I would want to punch them. Hard.
8. Formula is so much easier than breast-feeding.
Umm....duh. Breast-feeding is hard. I even had it really easy with no problems for either Cash or I, and guess what, it was still hard! Don't remind me of how difficult it is. I know that already.
9. You are spoiling him!
I've been told I'm spoiling Cash because of everything from breastfeeding him to not doing cry-it-out, to holding him "too much" to giving him a cookie. On what planet can you spoil a 10 month old?
and finally....
10. Is she adopted?
Yes, people really ask this. Cash is a beautiful mix of both his White mama and his Black daddy. But in our society, he is seen as Black. So when I'm out with him, people assume that I'm the nanny or that he is adopted. In the first month of Cash's life I was asked three times (by strangers) if he was adopted.With all my crazy post-birth hormones, I felt everything from rage to extreme sadness. I dyed my hair a dark brown so we would look more alike.
So there you have it, stuff you should never, ever, ever say to other mamas. Really it's all about supporting each other for our choices. We have it hard enough as mamas without tearing each other down.
What's the worst advice you've ever been given?
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The only time I find it really hard not to dispense with the advice is when I think the kid's health/safety is at risk. I see moms run around with their carseats on top of their shopping carts (not in the cart) and think, "OMG, stop that!" A kid actually died a while back from falling, in his carseat, off of a shopping cart. I just want to walk up to them and say, "this is so not safe! Your baby is in danger!"
ReplyDeleteAlso, I worry about people who try to front-face their kids in their carseats too soon just because it has been a long-standing "tradition" of turning the kid front-facing when they turn 1 year old. Statistics have shown, over time, that babies are FAR safer rear-facing as long as you possibly can (respecting weight limits, of course) so you better believe Baby G is getting rear-faced until she hits that weight limit.
It's hard not to say something when, if the situation were reversed and I was doing something inadvertently dangerous, I would really want someone to say something to me.
But, most of the time I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to "offend" someone. I'm always struggling between respecting someone's decisions as a parent and worrying for the kiddo.
It doesn't help that I'm a habitual "look for all possible outcomes of any situation" type of person, which means I see these babies out there and worry that the worst thing is going to happen to them and then I think of how awful I would feel if I didn't say something.
Motherhood of one child makes you want to mother all other kids, too. Blah...
Do you really think you are any less judgmental because you claim you would only dispense advice for a kid’s health/safety? Can’t other people claim the same thing? (Examples: 1. Do you breastfeed? No, oh my goodness, you are increasing the risk of your baby dying of SIDS. Yes, it’s true, babies who are breastfed have lower risk of SIDS. 2. You co-sleep? Really? That is so dangerous! Your baby could suffocate under your pillow or your flabby arm? He is also more at risk of SIDS if you co-sleep. How could you do that?)
DeleteAt the risk of sounding like someone dispensing advice (Frankly, I hate people giving me advice and always ignore it, so I normally try to avoid giving it), I just wanted to let you know that you are going to not survive your baby’s childhood if you obsess over the worst that could happen. There is some quote I heard once and can’t find now that says something like, “With all the dangers a child faces, it is a wonder any make it to adulthood.” That quote is so true and there is no way to protect your child from every danger unless you stick them in a bubble and feed them through a tube.
You can plot out and plan every second of your pregnancy and child’s life to keep them safe, but you will never be able to protect your child 100%. Despite following all the “rules of pregnancy”, I still lost 4 pregnancies. A woman I know lost a baby to SIDS and was told it can happen in all scenarios – crib, parent’s bed, baby on back, side, or stomach, in a smoking household or not. I know people who have lost children to cancer or have been born with terminal birth conditions. These parents couldn’t plan against what happened to their children. There are NO guarantees in life and if you worry and try to protect your child from every danger in life, you are not going to experience the joy of watching your child maneuver through the dangers of life.
And I’m not saying I don’t think you should never worry nor am I saying you should ignore all safety measures. I understand the worries – it’s why I regularly told people I did NOT want boys before my first BOY was born. I knew boys did crazy, dangerous stuff and I didn’t want to deal with the worries. Even now that I’m used to having danger seeking boys, I have to physically close my eyes or turn my head when my kids are playing on the playground because it looks like they are going to kill themselves with their crazy antics.
My point? Mostly it is you should consider the other parent’s life experience before judging them for doing something that you deem risky to their child. Not everyone thinks of worst case scenario first. I actually normally go based on statistical evidence first. The odds of a baby falling off a cart in his car seat and dying are really quite small, and therefore, in my way of thinking I would not deem it a significant risk to fight against. There are all ways to look at things.
Amen, and AMEN!
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
ReplyDeleteOk while Scott was in london last week I was going NUTS, I mean nuts, Judah was sick,we were both tired so I posted on my blog that he watched some Yo Gabba Gabba. I had a friend of mine, a guy friend of mine who is not even a dad write me this scathing email with a whole bunch of links as to how i am ruining my childs brain. I seriously bawled for like and hour.
Also I hate the grief I get as being a stay at home mom. I used to work for a mega church that was seriously understaffed, I constantly drank starbucks and monster energy drinks to keep awake/keep my energy going...let me tell you...as a stay at home mom I have never in my life been more busier than I am now. Its hard work. Your emotionally and physically giving yourself to another person 24/7 and for me its not with that many breaks. Being a mom stay at home or a working mom its hard. Once you have a baby your heart is forever attached to someone you really don't have any control over. You worry, you fret, you try to raise them the best you can. Its hard work.
and ps...Judah sleeps with a pillow. Bc I had friends who tried to scare me bc of SIDS I wouldn't let him sleep with one, but he kept grabbing at ours and finally my husband just gave him a tiny one. Im pretty sure as parents we wouldn't' want to do anything to harm our children. So I think if we think its okay to have a pillow, then its okay.
God would I tell that guy off. What an asshat. Cash loves Yo Gabba Gabba. I don't give two shits what anyone has to say about that!
DeleteMamahood is by far the hardest I have ever worked!
I don't know about advice, but SERIOUSLY?? Why ask anyone you don't know questions about their kid at all? I wonder about that. If you want to be friendly and start a conversation with me, why not use some other topic? Mommies are people, too!
ReplyDeleteThere's something so connecting about motherhood, I guess. You see someone who's a mom and you are a mom, so you talk about babies! It's weird how personal the conversation will get in a matter of minutes, though!
DeleteI just recently found your blog through some other blogs, and I LOVE this post! I wanted to breastfeed when I was pregnant, and then my baby girl was born, and she would NOT nurse! I saw every specialist out there and she just never did it. I pumped exclusively for 4 months, which I feel good about, but it was also pretty torturous. I felt like I had to explain myself and my situation to everyone that asked me if I was nursing. I would defend my pumping and explain that I went to 3 lactation consultants and 2 pediatricians that specialize in lactation. WHY did I do that? I shouldnt have defended any of my parenting choices to anyone. We have enough to worry about as new moms. People need to mind their own damn business and realize that I WILL WORRY about how my baby is fed and you can worry about how to feed yours. UGH!!! The whole nursing condescension makes me want to scream!!!! Great post, I feel supported by it!
ReplyDeleteWoo hoo! I'm glad you found me. We had a really easy time with nursing, but you just never know what will happen. The next one might not be able to nurse at all. I think that's the only good parenting advice- expect the unexpected and roll with it!
DeleteAnd pumping is horrible. If I had to exclusively pump, I don't know that I would have made it.
DeleteIt's crazy how very personal choices are viewed as open season as soon as you give birth. People who would never be comfortable going up to a stranger to ask whether they use pads or tampons all of a sudden feel inclined to ask a new mother whether they're nursing. WHAT THE HELL?
ReplyDeleteI remember the backpedaling and explanations I used to make TO COMPLETE STRANGERS over my choices, and I cringe. I would never offer an explanation now, and it's because I'm finally secure in my parenting choices. It's downright cruel to be a first-time parent in those first few months, so fraught with indecision and second-guessing, and then feeling like you have to answer a million questions from snoopy strangers. Ugh.
Sorry I just hijacked your comments. Apparently the privacy issue really irks me!
I've thought about the privacy part a lot, too. It's strange that people are so comfortable asking deeply personal questions to strangers. There's something so public about motherhood.
DeleteIt's just the flip side of "it takes a village"
DeleteNumber 7 bugs the shit out of me I get that shit all the time. I want to deck people who ask me that question. Pisses me off.
ReplyDeleteThat's so rude. I can't imagine why the hell people would be so comfortable asking that.
DeleteWhen I was pregnant women asked me all the time if I was planning a "natural" child birth. I was like, "Yeah, the baby is coming out of my vag, so that seems like nature doing it's thing." Then I found out they meant epidural free. I was then like, "Yeah, the baby is coming out of my vag, so hell yeah I'm getting drugs!" Someone suggested I try hypnotherapy instead. Pissed me off.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to try natural birth for me, but I don't understand caring what other people do. That shit hurt! In the end, I'm actually really glad I had a c section. Mind yo business, people!
DeleteIts amazing how people will ask the most personal questions when it comes to motherhood and especially birth. I was surprised when two men asked how the labor went and how did it feel. I kinda hesitated but told them I was just shocked.
ReplyDeleteAs far as people asking if Cash is adopted that is just plain rude. I am bi-racial just like Cash and I got questions my whole life about my mom and what I was mixed with? People just aren't afraid to get personal.
How did it feel? Although I eventually had a scheduled c section, I went into early labor and was 100% effaced and dilated to a 4. I can't imagine trying to explain to someone how that felt.
DeleteI LOVE this post. I decided for many reasons not to breastfeed Ryan when he was born. It was something that I talked to my doctor & husband over and over about. It was a tough decision. At that same time I had a friend who just couldn't understand why I made this decision. She literally gave me pamphlets about breast-feeding and even spoke to HER doctor about it! I finally had to end the friendship after telling her that it was a decision made between me and my husband. I have no clue why she thought she had input in what happened in my child's life. So irritating.
ReplyDeleteI have to be honest, I'm a huge proponent of breast feeding and I have a hard time understanding why people wouldn't even TRY breastfeeding. That being said, I also get that it's none of my business. So as a friend, I wouldn't necessarily understand, but it wouldn't be for me to understand! I can tell you when we had Cash, I had people emailing me on both sides of the circumcision debate to ask what we did.
DeleteI was just trying to speculate about any situation at all in which it would be reasonable for a stranger to ask where your baby came from. The only one I can think of would be if you were running down the street with him under your arm and a woman behind you was yelling "Stop her! That's my baby!"
ReplyDeleteHa! My baby came from the stork, thank you! ;)
DeleteNew to your blog - but the thing about the pillow in the crib, I could have written the exact thing! I put a picture on FB of my baby sleeping and instantly got tons of comments from moms and non-moms about SIDS. I don't get mad much, and generally just act like all is well and good and happy but this pushed me to a limit and finally told these annoying girls... FB is for happy crap not rude judgemental comments. And they said the same thing " I stay quiet unless its a safety hazard" to that I say... listen if the person is unaware of the rules of safety for their child.. they will find out way one or another. There is no need for a random person to feel it's their duty to enlighten someone else. I told them to mind their own business and not to bare the weight of my childs life on their shoulders.. I had it under control.
ReplyDeleteSo anyway... I feel ya on that sista :)
New to your blog - but the thing about the pillow in the crib, I could have written the exact thing! I put a picture on FB of my baby sleeping and instantly got tons of comments from moms and non-moms about SIDS. I don't get mad much, and generally just act like all is well and good and happy but this pushed me to a limit and finally told these annoying girls... FB is for happy crap not rude judgemental comments. And they said the same thing " I stay quiet unless its a safety hazard" to that I say... listen if the person is unaware of the rules of safety for their child.. they will find out way one or another. There is no need for a random person to feel it's their duty to enlighten someone else. I told them to mind their own business and not to bare the weight of my childs life on their shoulders.. I had it under control.
ReplyDeleteSo anyway... I feel ya on that sista :)